Fighter

I have been on the verge of a full out relapse for over a week now. Well, not sure you can even call it a relapse because I wasn't in remission as it was. But, things have gotten worse than they had been. Unfortunately, that's how this illness works.  The physical relapse had gotten me so down that mentally I had not been doing well, either. But, I am determined to not give up. I went through some dark days but I kept remembering what (who) I was fighting for.

I mean, look at them!! My family (you can even see my amazing husband in the background). When I took this picture. I was in so much pain I could barely stand up. This past Saturday was my youngest's 4th birthday. We celebrated the night before with cupcakes and presents, but I had not been well all day (and thankful the cupcakes had been baked the day before), and by the time grandparents arrived I was barely mobile.
I managed to make it through presents (removing myself once in the middle of it all to conceal the tears that were falling, trying desperately not to show my kids my pain and ruin the party). Once cake was served (which I couldn't even sample), I headed up to bed while the kids were occupied by all of the new gadgets.

I laid there and just wept; I wept from the pain, but also from the guilt I felt for spending my little boy's birthday party in my bed. I felt awful. I felt like a terrible mom. I felt like the kids deserved better. And then my wonderful husband, my hero, came up to lay with me, to let me cry and vent, but then also to talk some sense into me. I am so very thankful for this man.

A couple of days later, I was asked to speak at a Lyme fundraiser. I was so grateful for the opportunity but I was also still not myself mentally. When I got up there, I said what was on my heart. But, once we left, I felt like I didn't say enough. I didn't do enough. I felt like I hadn't done what I went there to do. But, as the evening unfolded and I was at home beating myself up, I received 3 different messages from complete strangers who had heard me speak and it was clear to me that my voice was in fact heard. I learned a valuable lesson: I cannot trust my own thoughts.

Well. I feel like I can't just leave it at that, you need a recipe!! I tweaked this vanilla cupcake recipe that I made for my husband's birthday to accommodate my little guy's request for chocolate cake. I omitted the vanilla (mostly because I didn't have any on hand) and added some organic cocoa and some stevia sweetened chocolate chips.

https://myheartbeets.com/paleo-vanilla-cupcakes/

As you can see, he thoroughly enjoyed them :)

My head is feeling a little more clear and I feel like the dark cloud is lifting. My body is still struggling, but I am thankful I that I feel the ability again to fight. When my mind wanders it's hard to keep pushing forward, but I am a fighter.