Friend Of Sinners

Recently I had the opportunity to be a part of a tv crime series based on true crimes that happened in the US. At first I was very excited about doing something like this, but once I was given the role a number of things started to come into play that tried to grip me in fear: What if I'm not well that day? What if I can't do it and let everyone down? These are legitimate fears for someone with chronic illness. BUT there was another fear gripping me, what will people think? Should a Christian woman be playing the role of a victim who was brutally raped and murdered? What will my friends say?
The first fear, the fear of being too sick to perform, is a fear I have whenever I come across anything where I need to be reliable or do any type of task, really. And unfortunately it is just my reality. Whether it's starting a support group for others going through the same things as me or speaking at a marriage conference, the struggles I face can be overwhelming. Thankfully I have a husband that goes wherever I go and helps me in every conceivable way, who makes sure I have what I need and helps me get through it. We've even nicknamed our marriage "Team Awesome". You can laugh, but it's true.
The morning before filming I made sure to rest as much as possible to give my body the best possible chance at being able to make it through the afternoon.Yesterday, on set, the crew was amazing at making sure I had what I needed, and my husband was there watching and supporting me every step of the way. The director was gracious about allowing me a million bathroom breaks since my bladder doesn't allow me to wait long periods of time. The crew was amazing at running to get things for me and not making me walk. The fear of being too fatigued to go on did become a reality, but thankfully by then my character had already died and I was able to lie in the back of a semi truck while they filmed my "dead" body. My part was over within 3 hours, so I made it through then got home and dropped. But the experience was worth it.
Now, the other fear. The fear of what people think. This is HUGE because in the past I've really struggled with what people think. This post is in no way an attempt to sway anyone's opinion on what I did. It is, however, intended to show a different perspective and maybe get you thinking. Should a Christian woman play a prostitute in a film? Should she be part of a re-enactment of a brutal crime, where a woman was brutally raped and strangled to death by a serial killer? I'm not sure where you are on this, or if this post has a place on a healing blog, but this just has to be said.
I got this part because I somewhat resembled a particular victim. Really it was my short blond hair and the fact that, at least on camera, I could pull off a 25 year old female. The excitement of being on a real tv show sort of kept me from thinking about what the actual role was at first. I mean, I wanted to be a movie star for almost my whole life! But once I started to ready myself for the role, I started to think differently. I looked at the picture of this woman over and over, studying her face and imagining what she was like. This woman was a real person, she wasn't a woman who played the role of a prostitute in a movie. She was the real person, I was the actress portraying her. So, let me tell you what I got from this experience.
This poor woman was a lost, hurting soul. She likely had (or felt she had) nowhere to go and no one to turn to. She was desperate. Whether she had put herself in this position or had been put there didn't matter. She was still a person. She felt joy and sadness, she felt pain. As I laid there being strangled by her killer, I kept thinking this woman actually endured this. She died not knowing she had a Father who loved her and didn't care what she had done. A Savior who cherished her beyond anything she could ever imagine. She died lonely and defeated. Nobody wants to sell their body to strangers to make enough money to get by. On the last take of the strangling scene, I actually couldn't breath. I was supposed to struggle and try to fight the man off of me and in doing that I must have held my breath too much and struggled to get air myself. What this woman felt was much, MUCH worse than that. When I woke up this morning I felt like I had actually been attacked because I was (and am) actually in pain from the struggle. What she went through was real, and yet my fake attack left me feeling the affects. So, the pain she went through must have been excruciating. She had no one to yell "CUT", and couldn't ask to "take a break". She offered her services to a man she was hoping to make a quick buck off of and be on her way. She wanted to be hidden, not be dragged across the news as a prostitute who had been murdered, while people would say things like, "well, what did she expect?" No on deserves this.
This woman's face will forever be embedded in my mind and, whether you think it odd or not, I feel honoured to have been a part of bringing her story to light. She didn't "get what she deserved". She deserved to be loved, to be valued, to have someone (like, ahem, a Christian woman??) tell her about a Father in heaven that could wipe her slate clean and give her new life if only she would let Him in. Because, let's face it, we're all dirty. We're all filled with sin. Everywhere you look in the Bible, Jesus spent time with sinners-liars, cheaters, murderers, adulterers, prostitutes. Nobody is too unclean to be saved. I will look at these women differently from now on because I will not see a prostitute, I will always see the face of Tina.
The people I worked with yesterday were pretty amazing. The intention of this crime series is not to parade these victims around and make up stories of what the killers did. In fact, nothing unnecessary is even put into the scenes. The intention is to tell the stories of the victims, to show what they went through, to make the viewer have compassion. The director didn't want anything in the film to be "lewd" (his words). He made sure that everyone involved was completely comfortable with everything they said and did, and if they weren't it would be changed. I was amazed at how everyone conducted themselves and how respectful everyone was. I got into a discussion with the director about the beauty of child birth and spoke about my husband and children as much as possible. My husband watched everything that happened and supported it all. The crew patiently allowed us to watch the scenes afterwards to make sure we were comfortable with the shots. It was truly an amazing experience and I honestly feel blessed to have been a part of it.
So, whether you agree with me or not, or whether you yourself would take part in such a thing, remember this: Jesus is the friend of sinners. He loves everyone, no matter what they've done. Nobody is too far gone to be saved. And, we are His hands and feet. We are here to bring the Gospel to His people, to share His love with everyone.