Happy Unvalentine's Day-Day!!

With Valentine's Day in the recent past, it's had me thinking about my marriage of nearly 15 years (this spring)… Yet, we do not even celebrate the so called "holiday". Why? Well, to be quite honest, we think it is pointless. Our kids love it (well, mostly just our daughter) so this year, as well as last, I wrote each child a love letter from Mom. They love getting notes that affirm my love for them.

As for my marriage, well, we haven't celebrated this holiday in years. In the beginning, as a newly wed, I tried to get my husband on board with the idea mainly because of tradition until I, myself, realized the pointlessness of it all. What is love? Well, it certainly isn't candy hearts, chocolate, and roses. I can't eat sugar anyway, and I can't keep a flower alive for more than a day! Trying to go out for dinner on Valentine's is near impossible unless you book well in advance (who has time for that!?) and, personally, I'd rather not go to a jam packed restaurant just because it's a certain day. We like to go on regular dates in a quiet restaurant where we can actually hear each other speak instead of going on the busiest day of the year.

But, last night I was thinking about my marriage and all that we have experienced in our 15 years, and I wanted to pay tribute to the one who has stuck beside me through some pretty hard times. So, I will call this my Unvalentine's Day-Day (perhaps I will start a new holiday).

So, here is to the one who...

Has seen me in the absolute worst of times;
Has seen me ugly cry, nose dripping and all;
Has watched me burp, fart, and vomit;
Has heard me yell, scream, and swear;
Has seen me head to toe with hives (like right now);
Has laid beside me in bed while I cried in pain for hours;
Has endured 2 miscarriages with me;
Has watched me give birth 3 times;
Has taken me to the hospital countless times, spending hours in waiting rooms, and never left my side;
Has walked with me through every single hardship;
Has picked me up when I fell down;
Has continued to tell me I am beautiful even when I don't believe it;
Has allowed me to make mistakes;
Has forgiven me every time;
Has pushed me when I wanted to give up;
Has helped me raise 3 children;
Has never given up on me, no matter what...

Marriage is hard. It is messy, it is scary, it is unpredictable. But, it is also beautiful, it is a gift, and it is worth every moment.

Lord, have your way

For the last few weeks I have felt like I am back in school... I have been taking a few classes through the church, and have been really digging deep into what God wants from me. Recently, I went to a naturopath who told me that all of my physical health issues are secondary to a much bigger issue; my emotional health. I learned that we can in fact store emotional trauma in our cells, causing our bodies to not be able to function properly or heal from sickness and disease. I was discouraged because, well, you can't take a pill for that! So, What can you do? Well, that's the journey I am on now; trying to navigate through the mess of my past and allow God to heal me from the inside out.

Though it is a very intimidating place to be, and forces me to be more vulnerable than I ever have been before, I have been diving right in to this scary place where I learn more and more about who I am, and who God wants me to be. And let me tell you, those are two very different people. I have been asking God to root things out of me that do not belong for months now, desperately wanting to become who I was made to be in Christ. There are so many areas God wants to work in me so that I can be more available to Him in His kingdom. There was such a long time I didn't believe that this would ever be possible for me; I believed the lie that God couldn't use me because I am too sick... I am not reliable because of my illness... what could God even do with me anyway?? But, through this process I am starting to see that God does indeed have a purpose for me... that He can use me if I will allow Him to.

Our church is doing a series called "Transformed" by Rick Warren as a whole church body. It is a 7 week course which includes daily devotionals, a weekly small group, as well as sermons pertaining to that week's lesson. Each area centers on health: Spiritual health, physical health, mental health, emotional health, relational health, financial health, and vocational health. It has been an amazing series that has allowed me to really dive in to these areas in a way I haven't before. 

It was amazing how everything came together, actually. After hearing from my naturopath how important my emotional health was to my physical healing, these things just sort of lined up for me. The timing was perfect; but God's timing always is, isn't it??!! Not only was our church starting this amazing series on how to be transformed, but they were also offering another class called "The Genesis Process". This one is MUCH more in depth and really targets the areas in our life that we personally need to work at. I am only a few weeks in and I can already see how difficult this process will be. BUT, I am also seeing God move in ways I didn't believe were even possible. He is already changing me and I am so excited to see what more He is going to do. 

I have been doing my daily devotions, digging into the Word, going to my classes, and doing my homework. I am working on changing my thinking and not believing the lies I have believed for so long. But, these things usually come with push back; my physical health has been suffering because I have once again had to change my diet, and I am taking new supplements, so my body is screaming at me and not happy with the change. It has been tempting to give up; it has been tempting to think negative thoughts, to believe that I am getting worse, that I can't get better. Fighting those thoughts, as well as the many other thoughts I have wrestled with in the past, has been difficult but I am looking at the small victories I can already see and allowing them to propel me forward. I also have some amazing accountability partners that help keep me on track. I can finally see, perhaps for the very first time ever, that there is hope. I need to also be aware of the fact that the enemy does NOT want me to get better. So, he is going to try to throw things at me to stop me in my tracks. If I truly am transformed into the person God wants me to be, then God can use me in ways that I can't even imagine... and that scares the devil like nothing else!

So, I am going to keep pressing into God and allow Him to do what He wants to do. I am done with pushing against Him and fighting Him kicking and screaming. He has been very clear with His intentions and I cannot ignore it anymore. This God, who loves me and gave His life for me, has a purpose and a call on my life. He wants me, and though that's a really hard concept for me to grasp, I choose to trust Him. Lord, have your way...

Search Me, Oh God

I haven't blogged in a long time. I just looked back at the last blog I wrote...WOW!! Last spring, my husband was in a horrible car accident. My last blog spoke about it just a couple of short weeks after it had happened. I said he would be in the hospital for 3-6 months, but by God's grace and the power of prayer he was home in just 6 weeks. He exceeded everyone's expectations by persevering and walking far before anyone thought he would. But, it's been a hard road. Obviously more so for him than for me, but the whole family has been having to go through some pretty tough times. I have tried to stand beside my husband through it all. But, I would be lying if I said I have been the perfect wife, encouraging him every step of the way and doing everything I can for him. There have been some really hard times.
Having an illness myself, homeschooling 3 kids, and having a husband home that needed much care was quite difficult. But, we are a family and we stick together. My husband had quite an amazing transformation through this whole process that left him a very changed man (for the better). I guess almost dying has that affect on people. He really started to see life differently and started to take his walk with the Lord more seriously than he ever has. Watching his faith, at first, had me feeling quite resentful (I am embarrassed to admit) because I wanted what he had. I wanted to feel close to God again but had really been stuck in a deep valley for years. It was really hard watching him be in a place I longed to be.
Thankfully, my husband and I are very close and it wasn't long before what he had experienced started to spill onto me. In the first few days he was in the hospital, I felt God very clearly tell me I needed to depend on HIM, and I hadn't been. I had slipped into putting my husband before my God (it's actually quite an easy thing to do when you have such a good relationship with your husband). I had been depending on him for years and, once he was no longer there to take care of me, I had to take a hard look at what had happened to me; I had made my husband an idol.
Once the dust settled and things started to get a little more "normal', I revisited what the Lord had put on my heart in the very beginning of it all. I needed to put God back in His proper place in my life and my heart; He needed to be first. Being a submissive wife does not mean putting your husband before your God. In fact, being submissive actually means you put the Lord first, then everything else follows in its proper order because you're obeying His will for your family. I started to ask God to search my heart and reveal things to me that needed to be rooted out of me. I didn't even know what He would find, but He very lovingly and graciously showed me things I didn't know were there.
I haven't told my whole story yet about the accident and everything that followed. And, perhaps one day I will. But, for now, I just want to say that even though this was by far the hardest thing this family has had to endure, it has also been the best thing that has ever happened to us. WHAT??!! Yup. The best thing. Seriously, because the accident forced us to re-evaluate our entire life. It forced us to get on track with the Lord and His plans and what He wants for our lives. The Lord started to show us more truth and opened our eyes to things in our life that needed change. It put a fire back in our hearts and pushed us towards something greater.
SO much has come out of this horrible situation; so much that I cannot possibly write it all in one blog post. So, I am not even going to try. I will leave it at this for now: When something bad happens to you or someone you love, look for the opportunity to grow and ask the Lord what He wants to teach you through it.
"Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting". Psalm 139:23-24
https://youtu.be/PxOiGZoEnsE
What is God trying to teach you?