Happy Unvalentine's Day-Day!!

With Valentine's Day in the recent past, it's had me thinking about my marriage of nearly 15 years (this spring)… Yet, we do not even celebrate the so called "holiday". Why? Well, to be quite honest, we think it is pointless. Our kids love it (well, mostly just our daughter) so this year, as well as last, I wrote each child a love letter from Mom. They love getting notes that affirm my love for them.

As for my marriage, well, we haven't celebrated this holiday in years. In the beginning, as a newly wed, I tried to get my husband on board with the idea mainly because of tradition until I, myself, realized the pointlessness of it all. What is love? Well, it certainly isn't candy hearts, chocolate, and roses. I can't eat sugar anyway, and I can't keep a flower alive for more than a day! Trying to go out for dinner on Valentine's is near impossible unless you book well in advance (who has time for that!?) and, personally, I'd rather not go to a jam packed restaurant just because it's a certain day. We like to go on regular dates in a quiet restaurant where we can actually hear each other speak instead of going on the busiest day of the year.

But, last night I was thinking about my marriage and all that we have experienced in our 15 years, and I wanted to pay tribute to the one who has stuck beside me through some pretty hard times. So, I will call this my Unvalentine's Day-Day (perhaps I will start a new holiday).

So, here is to the one who...

Has seen me in the absolute worst of times;
Has seen me ugly cry, nose dripping and all;
Has watched me burp, fart, and vomit;
Has heard me yell, scream, and swear;
Has seen me head to toe with hives (like right now);
Has laid beside me in bed while I cried in pain for hours;
Has endured 2 miscarriages with me;
Has watched me give birth 3 times;
Has taken me to the hospital countless times, spending hours in waiting rooms, and never left my side;
Has walked with me through every single hardship;
Has picked me up when I fell down;
Has continued to tell me I am beautiful even when I don't believe it;
Has allowed me to make mistakes;
Has forgiven me every time;
Has pushed me when I wanted to give up;
Has helped me raise 3 children;
Has never given up on me, no matter what...

Marriage is hard. It is messy, it is scary, it is unpredictable. But, it is also beautiful, it is a gift, and it is worth every moment.

Lord, have your way

For the last few weeks I have felt like I am back in school... I have been taking a few classes through the church, and have been really digging deep into what God wants from me. Recently, I went to a naturopath who told me that all of my physical health issues are secondary to a much bigger issue; my emotional health. I learned that we can in fact store emotional trauma in our cells, causing our bodies to not be able to function properly or heal from sickness and disease. I was discouraged because, well, you can't take a pill for that! So, What can you do? Well, that's the journey I am on now; trying to navigate through the mess of my past and allow God to heal me from the inside out.

Though it is a very intimidating place to be, and forces me to be more vulnerable than I ever have been before, I have been diving right in to this scary place where I learn more and more about who I am, and who God wants me to be. And let me tell you, those are two very different people. I have been asking God to root things out of me that do not belong for months now, desperately wanting to become who I was made to be in Christ. There are so many areas God wants to work in me so that I can be more available to Him in His kingdom. There was such a long time I didn't believe that this would ever be possible for me; I believed the lie that God couldn't use me because I am too sick... I am not reliable because of my illness... what could God even do with me anyway?? But, through this process I am starting to see that God does indeed have a purpose for me... that He can use me if I will allow Him to.

Our church is doing a series called "Transformed" by Rick Warren as a whole church body. It is a 7 week course which includes daily devotionals, a weekly small group, as well as sermons pertaining to that week's lesson. Each area centers on health: Spiritual health, physical health, mental health, emotional health, relational health, financial health, and vocational health. It has been an amazing series that has allowed me to really dive in to these areas in a way I haven't before. 

It was amazing how everything came together, actually. After hearing from my naturopath how important my emotional health was to my physical healing, these things just sort of lined up for me. The timing was perfect; but God's timing always is, isn't it??!! Not only was our church starting this amazing series on how to be transformed, but they were also offering another class called "The Genesis Process". This one is MUCH more in depth and really targets the areas in our life that we personally need to work at. I am only a few weeks in and I can already see how difficult this process will be. BUT, I am also seeing God move in ways I didn't believe were even possible. He is already changing me and I am so excited to see what more He is going to do. 

I have been doing my daily devotions, digging into the Word, going to my classes, and doing my homework. I am working on changing my thinking and not believing the lies I have believed for so long. But, these things usually come with push back; my physical health has been suffering because I have once again had to change my diet, and I am taking new supplements, so my body is screaming at me and not happy with the change. It has been tempting to give up; it has been tempting to think negative thoughts, to believe that I am getting worse, that I can't get better. Fighting those thoughts, as well as the many other thoughts I have wrestled with in the past, has been difficult but I am looking at the small victories I can already see and allowing them to propel me forward. I also have some amazing accountability partners that help keep me on track. I can finally see, perhaps for the very first time ever, that there is hope. I need to also be aware of the fact that the enemy does NOT want me to get better. So, he is going to try to throw things at me to stop me in my tracks. If I truly am transformed into the person God wants me to be, then God can use me in ways that I can't even imagine... and that scares the devil like nothing else!

So, I am going to keep pressing into God and allow Him to do what He wants to do. I am done with pushing against Him and fighting Him kicking and screaming. He has been very clear with His intentions and I cannot ignore it anymore. This God, who loves me and gave His life for me, has a purpose and a call on my life. He wants me, and though that's a really hard concept for me to grasp, I choose to trust Him. Lord, have your way...

Search Me, Oh God

I haven't blogged in a long time. I just looked back at the last blog I wrote...WOW!! Last spring, my husband was in a horrible car accident. My last blog spoke about it just a couple of short weeks after it had happened. I said he would be in the hospital for 3-6 months, but by God's grace and the power of prayer he was home in just 6 weeks. He exceeded everyone's expectations by persevering and walking far before anyone thought he would. But, it's been a hard road. Obviously more so for him than for me, but the whole family has been having to go through some pretty tough times. I have tried to stand beside my husband through it all. But, I would be lying if I said I have been the perfect wife, encouraging him every step of the way and doing everything I can for him. There have been some really hard times.
Having an illness myself, homeschooling 3 kids, and having a husband home that needed much care was quite difficult. But, we are a family and we stick together. My husband had quite an amazing transformation through this whole process that left him a very changed man (for the better). I guess almost dying has that affect on people. He really started to see life differently and started to take his walk with the Lord more seriously than he ever has. Watching his faith, at first, had me feeling quite resentful (I am embarrassed to admit) because I wanted what he had. I wanted to feel close to God again but had really been stuck in a deep valley for years. It was really hard watching him be in a place I longed to be.
Thankfully, my husband and I are very close and it wasn't long before what he had experienced started to spill onto me. In the first few days he was in the hospital, I felt God very clearly tell me I needed to depend on HIM, and I hadn't been. I had slipped into putting my husband before my God (it's actually quite an easy thing to do when you have such a good relationship with your husband). I had been depending on him for years and, once he was no longer there to take care of me, I had to take a hard look at what had happened to me; I had made my husband an idol.
Once the dust settled and things started to get a little more "normal', I revisited what the Lord had put on my heart in the very beginning of it all. I needed to put God back in His proper place in my life and my heart; He needed to be first. Being a submissive wife does not mean putting your husband before your God. In fact, being submissive actually means you put the Lord first, then everything else follows in its proper order because you're obeying His will for your family. I started to ask God to search my heart and reveal things to me that needed to be rooted out of me. I didn't even know what He would find, but He very lovingly and graciously showed me things I didn't know were there.
I haven't told my whole story yet about the accident and everything that followed. And, perhaps one day I will. But, for now, I just want to say that even though this was by far the hardest thing this family has had to endure, it has also been the best thing that has ever happened to us. WHAT??!! Yup. The best thing. Seriously, because the accident forced us to re-evaluate our entire life. It forced us to get on track with the Lord and His plans and what He wants for our lives. The Lord started to show us more truth and opened our eyes to things in our life that needed change. It put a fire back in our hearts and pushed us towards something greater.
SO much has come out of this horrible situation; so much that I cannot possibly write it all in one blog post. So, I am not even going to try. I will leave it at this for now: When something bad happens to you or someone you love, look for the opportunity to grow and ask the Lord what He wants to teach you through it.
"Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting". Psalm 139:23-24
https://youtu.be/PxOiGZoEnsE
What is God trying to teach you?

Everything Has It's Place

I call myself The Healing Mama. I am an advocate for natural healing and clean eating. I love to utilize the tools God has given  us to maintain a healthy lifestyle and heal sickness. I love my essential oils and eat a paleo diet. I love to learn more about natural living and have made many changes throughout the last few years. I have been known to say things like, "The medical system can't help me." And, it's true. I have an illness not recognized by most health care professionals and even if they recognize it as a real illness, they can't treat it. So, it has left me with a sour taste in my mouth when it comes to doctors and the entire medical profession. And then, something changed. Now, don't get me wrong; I still love my oils, supplements, clean foods, and natural alternatives to pretty much everything. But, something happened that changed how I view the medical profession and I just have to share.
On Friday, May 3rd my husband was involved in a horrible car accident that left him unable to walk. He spent 3 days in ICU before being transferred to the Orthopaedic Unit. He broke multiple bones in multiple places and received hours of orthopaedic surgeries to repair the extensive damage to his body. He was given blood many times throughout his stay in the ICU. He has now been on the Orthopaedic Unit for almost 2 weeks, and will remain in a hospital for the next 3-6 months and will require extensive rehabilitation. It has been so hard. He is my best friend. I have not been without him for the entire 14 years we have been married. In fact, I have spent pretty much my entire adult life aside this man. Watching him go through what he has had to endure this last 2 and a half weeks has been excruciating to say the least. He has been hooked up to machines and IV's and tubes. After his first set of 8 hour surgeries he was even put on a breathing tube. It has been very difficult to watch him suffer, but also amazing to see his strength, endurance, and positive attitude. But, what I have experienced in the hospital during this so far has been remarkable.
Friday, May 3rd at 8:40 am I received the call that nobody wants to get. "Your husband was in a motor vehicle accident. I do not know the extent of his injuries, but he's talking and is aware I'm calling you." Those were the nurse's exact words, I will never forget. I froze and kept saying over and over, "What? What?" And then, the tears came. The nurse was so concerned about me that she tried desperately to calm me down before letting me off of the phone to drive to the hospital. Once I arrived in the ER, I saw that the damage was in fact worse than I had imagined. At one point, I left the room to use the bathroom and on my way across the hall I started to have a panic attack. A nurse came out of nowhere, picked me up off of the floor, and held me in her arms while I sobbed uncontrollably.
Over the next few days I experienced this over and over; the nursing staff being attentive to our needs and doing everything they could do to help in whatever way they could. During our stay in the ICU, my husband had a nurse that would always check on me and make sure I was ok to drive home at night. She was my angel. Once we were transferred out, the nursing staff on the Trauma Unit were amazing. We were only there briefly but the care they gave was wonderful. The short amount of time we spent on that unit is kind of a blur to me now, but they did everything they could for us while we were there. The Orthopaedic surgeon who performed the surgeries on my husband is amazing. He always explains everything to us and answers all of my questions. He is kind and compassionate, and he does not treat us like just another case. He sees us as real people, and it shows. The Orthopaedic Unit (where we still are currently) has become like my second home. I go up there everyday and spend hours with my husband. The staff has been so incredible and make sure we are taken care of. They are just so amazing with my husband. If a nurse has my husband to care for a couple of days and then he is given to new nurses, the previous nurses love to come check to see how he is doing. They want to see his progress and always encourage him. I have seen the nursing staff go above and beyond for us, and I have even told a few that they don't get paid enough for the job they are doing.
The Occupational Therapist that is working with my husband is really awesome too. She modified a wheelchair for him and specifically designed some special stint for his legs. Everyone is always checking on him and giving him such excellent care. The parking attendant that sees me every day always greets me with a smile and says, "Hey, boss" as he lets me through the gate. He doesn't know it, but that little bit of consistency in my day and the "have a great night" like he really means it actually means a lot.
My husband has had to take a lot of pain killers to help manage the terrible pain he is experiencing. This stuff is nasty. But, I know he needs it. I hate having to use pharmaceuticals, but there are cases where they are necessary. I still advocate for natural healing, but essential oils can't heal a broken bone. Essential oils, supplements, clean eating; these things are amazing. They heal bodies. They prevent disease. But, there are some things like broken bones and genetic illnesses that these things cannot heal. They can help aid and quicken the progress.They can manage symptoms. But, other interventions are needed. What I have learned through all of this is that there is a place for the medical field, and I am so appreciative of it. I am so thankful that there are people out there who care enough to be in this field of work. It truly takes someone special to do this job well. I am grateful to the medical staff at the Regina General Hospital for their outstanding service and for making this experience just a little less horrible for our family.
On Friday, May 3rd our life changed drastically. I struggle daily to find my new normal and assure our kids that everything will be ok. I could have lost my husband, but I thank God every single day that he will return home when he's ready. Things could have turned out very differently. The hospital staff has made it much more bearable to go through this. We continue to stay positive and are grateful for every single person who has helped in any way. We are truly blessed.

Who Am I

Lately I have been thinking about who I am; what is my identity. I am a mom, yes. But, what else? For the last couple of years I have been known as the woman with Lyme. I am not saying this is all people see, but that is what I feel I am best known for. Especially now being in a circle of people who didn't know me before my diagnosis. I am the woman with a chronic illness. But, these people didn't know me before. I have found I am seeing myself that way as well, forgetting who I used to be. And so, let me take you back to that girl...
I am the girl who lived on a mountain side in the woods for 6 years. I had to learn how to prime a pump when our well water stopped, learn how to build a fire, drive icy mountain roads into town without any cell service, and haul firewood into the house daily to keep our house warm. I am the girl who hauled 3 kids into town with me to do EVERYTHING on my own like Costco trips, kids' activities, and errands of every kind because my husband worked 12 hour shifts. He was rarely home for supper time and bedtime routines. I was on my own. I am the girl who put myself through an online nail course and passed with flying colors, later to go on to starting a mobile nail service that I was quite successful at! I am the girl who started my own organic skincare line, making skincare products in my kitchen. I am the girl who gave birth to 3 beautiful children, raising 2 of them super close together then adding in a third because we answered God's call. I am the girl who gave birth to number 3 in a bath tub at a friends home without any medical interventions. I am the girl who overcame not being able to breastfeed her first 2 children, and successfully (and joyfully) nursed her third for 3 years. I am the girl who is half way through her seventh year homeschooling, with no plan to stop. I am the girl who loves to write, and started this blog as a place to put down my thoughts and encourage others. I am the girl who has a heart for encouraging others in their health journey, and has a heart to encourage young married couples (both of which God is allowing me to do in very tangible ways).
I am the girl who was diagnosed with a life altering, chronic illness that changed everything for me. I am the girl who gets up each day to fight. I am the girl who speaks out about her illness every chance she gets, not for pity or recognition but to educate others in the hopes I will help someone else. I am the girl who was able to get off of sugar after being a sugar addict, and change my diet completely for the sake of my health.
 I am the girl who never gave up in the face of trials. And, though I may be taking a break from doing these things, it is still who I am. I am that girl. I am a fighter. I may have put some things on hold, and I may need more help now than I ever have, but I am still me. I am still that strong, capable, confident woman. I just need a break. I may never do the things I once did (and, to be honest, there are MANY parts of that life I am thankful I do not have to do anymore!!) But, I know God is calling me to other things and I am both thankful and excited for that. So, whenever I start to see myself as the "sick girl", I will remind myself of who I really am; a woman who never gives up, tries her best at everything she puts her hands to, and perseveres through any trial. I am not just a #lymewarrior. I am a #warrior. That's who I am.

Breakfast Prep

This morning I spent some time preparing a few breakfasts ahead of time. The kids will be pretty excited to have these yummy waffles for breakfast! It is a nice change from the normal breakfast foods we eat. Typically waffles are reserved for brunch after church but they're so easy to make I might just have to put this in the regular rotation as well. I added grass fed collagen to these babies for extra protein, and we will eat these with a TON of grass fed butter and a drizzle of pure organic maple syrup... YUM!! And each waffle has one whole egg, so I don't have to worry about fighting my toddler to eat an egg. 

This is a regular around here, and you can find the recipe on the blog!! This is our favourite grain free banana bread. I like to add some green banana flour for some good prebiotic fiber. We will eat this with some grass fed butter as well.

This is a new one for us that we will be trying tomorrow... lemon cranberry loaf! It smells lovely, and has a ton of eggs so lots of protein. I am hoping it tastes as wonderful as it smells. And if it does it just may make the rotation as well.

What is your favourite paleo breakfast?

When Healing Doesn't Come

It's a hard place to be; it's hard to be a chronically ill believer. As a Christian, I believe in healing. I believe in miracles. God can and does heal. So, why am I not healed? It's a difficult question, one that does not come with definitive answers. God doesn't cause our sickness. He doesn't give us an affliction just so He can use it for something greater. I believe He does, however, use our afflictions for His glory and to further His kingdom, if we're willing.
Lately I have been thinking about this a lot. If I am believing for healing, if I am praying for healing, why am I still not well? I don't know the answer, but what I do know is what I feel God is calling me to do during this trial. He's calling me to trust Him. It's not easy to trust; it's not easy to let go of doubt and fear and trust that He has it under control, especially when you're crying out in pain or you wake up itchy with hives or you try to do a task that you no longer can do.
Some days I feel like my faith is stronger than others. And, some days I struggle to believe things will ever change. Some days I look forward to a future without pain, and others I fear for what tomorrow will bring. Why? Because I am human. But I know God is calling me to a greater level of trust as I navigate through this. I feel Him calling me to be still and know... To know He is God. To know He is bigger than any affliction, any obstacle, any sorrow or pain.
I have seen God use me in ways that would not have been possible without this illness. He has opened my eyes to a greater level of compassion for others and the ability to raise awareness for a cause that so desperately needs a voice. He has brought this family closer as we pull together to support one another. He has shown me the importance of my full reliance on Him, creating a desperation for Him like I've never had before. He has shown me that, though I am weak, in Him I am strong.
Now, please don't get me wrong; please do not think I am saying this is easy for me. I'm really struggling, if I'm being honest. This really is a day to day thing. But I am really trying to see the good that has come from all of this, and trusting that no matter what happens I have a Saviour who loves me and will never leave me.
Recently I have felt challenged to switch my focus from one of physical healing to a healing of my soul. I have many afflictions that are not physical; wounds that haven't healed and cause a different kind of pain. Perhaps it is time to pray for a different kind of healing. "Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." Psalm 139: 23-24 (KJV)
What has God  been teaching you or already taught you through your own trails and tribulations?